A little more venting from me!

Hello everyone. I am sitting here in my parents's basement house at 1 a.m., and I couldn't sleep so I am just thinking. Thinking about so many things.
I am not trying to be down. I am just being honest and I have to be. I just wanted to write a little bit and kind of share some of my struggles.

This not eating anything at all is really playing some crazy tricks on my mind. It seems like everything I see makes me think of food. I keep craving things like ham and steak and pizza. I would eat even a McGriddle, and I absolutely hate McGriddles at McDonalds. You know I'm desperate when that crosses my mind. That and Liver. Boy, I'd even eat liver, especially if it had onions.

I am allowing myself popsicles and some hard candy of some sort. I am allowing myself to suck and bite on that and have some flavor through the popsicles. I just told the doctor I had to have something.

Truthfully, my stomach is better when I'm not eating anything at all. I only had to take nausea medication two times today. It's not as bad when I'm not eating.
But that is such a hard thing to do. Not eating is like one of the things in life that I enjoy so much. Food had always been an integral part of my family. My mom cooks so good and so do my sisters. They know how to cook and they have it all down pat. But now I can't eat, and I really feel terrible because they don't want to eat around me. That doesn't bother me. I am just fine and I've got to get used to this. It's not something I want to get used to, but I have to.

I don't understand why the Lord wants us to walk through these valleys. I really don't understand why we have to go through things that don't make sense at the time, but I know it's in God's plan. My prayer is to keep the most positive attitude that I can me during all of these trials and when I look back, I will be stronger for them. I long to have a stronger relationship with the Lord. I just do. I want the Lord to be seen as Good and Holy and perfect. I want Him to be glorified in my life. I truly am nothing and could do nothing at all apart from my Heavenly father. He is my rock, and has given me so much.

This not eating thing is so hard. It's so essential to life, but I know that I can do it. I am stronger than I think. Anything to get better.

The update is that I have tests on April 25th and 2 doctors appointments on the 26th. Kevin is flying in the 21st through the 27th. So he'll be here to make all of the important decisions with me. We may be facing surgery and we need wisdom as to whether to have it here or in Texarkana.

Pray for our finances and pray for our time apart. I miss everyone. These trips back and forth and shipping my feedings is also an expense. But I thank God for leading me through it all.

You never realize how strong you are until you have to go through something like this. I would like to think I'm strong. But even more, I'm happy. I am happy no matter what. If God didn't bless me with one more thing in my life, I would be blessed enough. I have so much love in my life. I have so much happiness in my life, and I can walk through this trial with my head held up high and say I will never leave or forsake you, God. I want to be a pleasing daughter to my Lord and to my earthly parents too. I'm going to be just fine.

Pray for me. That's what pulls me through.

I love each of you who reads this. Thanks for being there for me.

Love, Ami