Monday, December 17, 2012

Done with 2012

I don’t know what it is about 2012.
I won’t be sad to see it gone.
I’ve seen people I love, struggle financially, emotionally and most of all, physically in ways that my human mind can’t stand.
Most people know the basics of my story. How since January of 2010, I wasn’t able to eat and I had feeding tubes. Then after meeting great doctors at John’s Hopkins, they had ideas and basically gave me some hope and I was able to eat from April 10th to mid July of this year. I began to get sick again with pancreatitis and gastroparesis and everything else. So after months of NJ tubes (tubes that go from your nose, down your throat, and into your small intestine), the doctors finally decided that they would have to intervene because I had lost too much weight. I have lost so much weight (about 80 pounds this year and 40 last year), I have a lot of excess skin. If the skin was gone, the doctor said that my body is starving in a way because I can’t tolerate the nutrition I need. I know that and I am feeding around the clock on this machine to remedy things, but because of the condition of my stomach and the constant nausea, it’s really hard to go places, do things and not feel bad or totally worn out. To make a complicated situation, well, still complicated , I am actually not going to be able to eat normally again most likely. It’s hard for me to say that because I have had lots of hopes and even success for 2 months. But now it’s worse than it’s ever been. I don’t want to be pessimistic, but the doctors these days don’t even want to give me false hope. My stomach is in such ill-repair, it might be good to take it out along with the pancreas. I just don’t know, quite honestly. I’ll know more at my appointment in January. Right now I am dealing with the realization that I can’t eat and this is just how it is, and coming to terms with that is hard. It’s not such a natural thing not to eat.
Daily in my life, I choose to be joyful. I have my moments of hurt, pain and isolation. I have days where I don’t want to get out of the bed or off of the sofa. I have those times when I reach out to God and I can’t seem to find Him.
I pray to God that He will give my life a supernatural satisfaction…one only that He can supply. I never imagined that this would be so hard. I never imagined I could be strong enough to walk down this road. In ways I am proud of myself. But in other ways, I know I’m too hard on myself. I don’t want to ever be grumpy or frustrated when I can’t eat, even though that is hard. I just need to focus on others and God and not the food or the sickness and pain I feel.
Like anyone else, I have my personal struggles, but I don’t like it when people I love get hurt. I don’t enjoy hearing that people who I love and that are precious to me are going through battles, and sometimes I can’t do anything. My hands are tied. That’s the worst feeling of all.
Cancer has reared it’s ugly head in several people I love so much this year, first in my brother-in-law Jimmy Colaciello. You couldn’t know someone better than Jim. He treated me like a sister when we first met. I remember him meeting my sister when we both worked at the Grocery store. I knew he was good to her when I visited her at her house after they were married and I got to visit and hang out with her. She was such a great woman and I loved her so much and Jim treated me like his little sister. I know for a fact that God put Jim and Cherie together.
So when I sit here, a little bit of anger rises in me, my jaw clentches. I want to fight. So I am. I’m praying for Jim. Not only Jim, but for Cherie. I’m praying that God puts His angels over them both. I pray that there is healing in the doctors hands. I’m praying for God to just be God and be what we’ve always believed in and given our lives for. We’ve always dedicated our hearts and lives to you! Please God. So I pray for God’s servants, and I pray for Jim’s safety as he has surgery on Thursday. I just need YOU, God, to guide the doctor’s hands. We all just need you.
I also found out that LaNell Miller, my pastor’s wife, who has helped me grow and have faith and has visited me many times in the hospital, was diagnosed with Breast Cancer last week. I keep thinking, “God, are you there??” I find myself looking, searching almost. “where are you???”
All the sudden, It hit me and I got mad. I got mad that the devil is pulling out all of the stops .
I will not let Satan take one more thing from me. He will not take my friendships, he will not take my memories, he will not take one second of happiness that He doesn’t have the right to.
Beauty is looking at my 12 nieces and nephews. I love them each so much. Little Savannah who is 6 years old was the highlight of the Christmas play last night at church. This is the same little girl who they said could be aborted because they were afraid she wasn’t going to be “normal.” She was born around 2 pounds. I just shutter to think what man would have done if her parents hadn’t fought for life. I love all of my nephews and nieces, the most recent twins who were born in March this year, are quite perfect, and they’ve kind of brightened life here recently.
I don’t know why this year, especially this latter part of the year, has been so hard for me, and for many others. It’s hitting hard because it’s hitting people I love so much. Instead of being sad and crying all of the time, I will look at the beauty as I see it.
I find these moments with my parents as beautiful. For as much as I can’t wait to be with Kevin, I also can’t wait each morning to see my mom and dad and talk to them and feel their love. The relationship we’ve grown into having isn’t typical, but it’s one that I’ll forever be grateful for.
The beautiful flowers my husband got for my birthday, the same ones in my bouquet I held when I married him 12 years ago….that was beautiful.
I am praying God just strengthens us all and as this year comes to an end, I promise to fight just as hard to have a better year healthwise for 2013. I’m not pessimistic. I’m as honest as I can be. Maybe I’ll sit here a year from now and I’ll be able to look back and and thank God for the beauty of 2013.
Until then, We must be praying harder than we’ve ever prayed before. The battle is the Lords, just like he said in I Samuel 17:49. He’s got it under control. Just pray now, more than ever for each other.