Wednesday, April 27, 2011

My Plan of Treatment

I wanted to write a blog to let everyone know what is happening with me. I try to blog about what is happening with my health so that all of my prayer warriors and praying buddies out there can know what’s happening to me.
I am currently seeking medical treatment because I have a condition called Gastroparesis, which is where your stomach doesn’t move. So I can’t really eat much. Most of you know that, and I’ve written a lot about it.
The newest development is that the stomach specialist at John’s Hopkins thought I should be seen by a pancreas doctor. So I had tests run on Monday of this week. The doctors found a mass growing on my pancreas, which greatly concerns them. They really don’t think that it is any kind of cancer, however they have not ruled that out 100%. They did a blood test which will help determine if there is any cancerous cells they should be worried about. I will find the results to that early next week.
The next step is to monitor the legions that are growing on my pancreas. They think that the mass could cause trouble if it grows or changes. This mass could be a result of the chronic pancreatitis that I have had since Sept. 09. Or it could be a benign tumor that is growing that could cause problems.
I can have surgery, but the long and short of it is that I am not healthy enough right now with all of my other problems. Plus it’s a risky surgery as to what they’d have to do.
So to make a long story short, I have to see a few more specialists and go through a few more tests over the next few weeks.
Then hopefully I will be able to come home to Texas for a month or two.
Then I will have to return to Baltimore to repeat all of the pancreas tests to see if the growth has changed. If it has, then we may have to do surgery. Any surgery involving the pancreas is very risky.
I still can’t eat much. I still am tube feeding. I will likely struggle with that all of my life, but I can eat little things here and there when I have to, but the less, the better. If I can tube feed, that’s optimal for me. So that’s mainly what I’m going to be doing so I can be comfortable.
I have a very important doctor’s visit tomorrow. I would appreciate your prayers regarding that. It’s at 1:15 p.m.
Saying all of this, I am confident in God that He has everything in control. We don’t know why this is happening, but my relationship with God is not contingent on what trials a go through. I love Jesus Christ more than anything , and He is the great physician. When He heals me of this, I will be able to praise Him and my healing will prove He does miracles today! I just know He is healing me already.
This is hard on me for several reasons. First, because I miss Kevin. For those of you who know me well, He is the absolute love of my life. He is my hero and the one I look to for comfort, love and most of all laughs during our doctor visits. He is my better half and without him, I couldn’t walk this road. I just couldn’t Secondly, I miss my Texas family. I miss my other mom and dad and family there.
My parents have been so good to me during this. I feel so needy. I feel like such a burden right now. I feel like I am sucking them dry from all of my appointments…having them drive me every day to Baltimore or Lutherville. It’s hard, but I know they love me. I cry because I’m not worthy of the Love they give. I am SO blessed. I adore my mom and dad and I am so thankful for God giving me them. I cry at the thought of all they have done for me. And I know they do it out of serious love for me. That’s exactly What it is…pure love.
Anyway, I am okay. I will be fine because the Lord is in control. Keep praying and I’ll keep you updated. We don’t want this growth to get bigger and we don’t want surgery or it to be cancer. Those are the things you can pray for right now. Pray that my stomach doesn’t get so sick all of the time and pray for my Husband and family.
I want everyone who reads this to know that I know God, the Lord Jesus Christ as my personal savior and friend. I know Him as my father, and I am never going to quit asking my father and my best friend for health and healing and happiness. But saying that, I am going to love Him no matter what I walk through. And I’m going to be happy doing it. I have been so blessed with so many things in my life, most of all Jesus’ love and my husband and family’s love. If I never have another blessing in my life, I would be satisfied and still be among the most blessed people in the world. I wouldn’t trade my life for anything in this world.
I hope I haven’t confused you. I am writing this kindof fast and I just wanted to get it typed up so that you all would be able to know what was going on!
I love you all!
Love, Ami :)

Thursday, April 21, 2011

I want a cheeseburger!

I'm hungry.
There's no getting around it.
I'm just hungry.
I want a big cheeseburger. A great big cheeseburger with extra cheese and ketchup. I would even put mayonnaise on it. But I wouldn't put mustard on it. I just want the meat.
This not eating has been really hard for me. I can't eat anything because of my stomach condition. The doctor didn't want me eating anything at all, but I am allowing myself to eat popsicles and suck on some hard candy. I am also allowing myself to drink whatever I want. I still get sick to my stomach, but I have to have a little bit of flavor.
When it comes to eating, you don't realize what you are missing until it's not there. I mean, I never figured that I'd be denied the basic function of eating. I mean, it's such a basic thing, but it's such a pivotal part of life. It's funny how much of life revolves around eating. It's something that you do when you don't know what else to do. It's something you do when you want to meet with a just get something to eat or talk over lunch. It's Easter dinner, a birthday party with cake, and popcorn at a movie.
I promised myself that if...or when (see, I'm being positive!) I eat again, I am going to allow myself to eat what I can. And I'm not going to take it for granted. I'm going to enjoy eating. I'm not going to worry about my weight. I'm going to enjoy eating and enjoy flavors. I'm going to enjoy everything I can enjoy. I don't know to what capacity my stomach will work again. Unless I receive a miraculous healing, which is what I am totally holding out for and believing in, I don't know how well it will ever work again. But when it does work and we get a solution to this stomach situation, I'm going to enjoy a cheeseburger.
I like to think and dream about food. I love to think about what I would eat if I could. Some think it's torturous to eat in front of me. It really doesn't bother me, and if it does bother me, I leave and go to the next room or remove myself when I need to. I just like to think about eating. I know it may be strange to some people, but I really like to think about pizza and fruit and Italian food...something other than popsicles and juice.
This is just a part of life, at least a major part of it right now for me. It's funny how you miss things when they are not there anymore. Even something so basic as eating. You'd think things would get easier and they will, I hope.
I know it's all going to be okay.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

A little more venting from me!

Hello everyone. I am sitting here in my parents's basement house at 1 a.m., and I couldn't sleep so I am just thinking. Thinking about so many things.
I am not trying to be down. I am just being honest and I have to be. I just wanted to write a little bit and kind of share some of my struggles.

This not eating anything at all is really playing some crazy tricks on my mind. It seems like everything I see makes me think of food. I keep craving things like ham and steak and pizza. I would eat even a McGriddle, and I absolutely hate McGriddles at McDonalds. You know I'm desperate when that crosses my mind. That and Liver. Boy, I'd even eat liver, especially if it had onions.

I am allowing myself popsicles and some hard candy of some sort. I am allowing myself to suck and bite on that and have some flavor through the popsicles. I just told the doctor I had to have something.

Truthfully, my stomach is better when I'm not eating anything at all. I only had to take nausea medication two times today. It's not as bad when I'm not eating.
But that is such a hard thing to do. Not eating is like one of the things in life that I enjoy so much. Food had always been an integral part of my family. My mom cooks so good and so do my sisters. They know how to cook and they have it all down pat. But now I can't eat, and I really feel terrible because they don't want to eat around me. That doesn't bother me. I am just fine and I've got to get used to this. It's not something I want to get used to, but I have to.

I don't understand why the Lord wants us to walk through these valleys. I really don't understand why we have to go through things that don't make sense at the time, but I know it's in God's plan. My prayer is to keep the most positive attitude that I can me during all of these trials and when I look back, I will be stronger for them. I long to have a stronger relationship with the Lord. I just do. I want the Lord to be seen as Good and Holy and perfect. I want Him to be glorified in my life. I truly am nothing and could do nothing at all apart from my Heavenly father. He is my rock, and has given me so much.

This not eating thing is so hard. It's so essential to life, but I know that I can do it. I am stronger than I think. Anything to get better.

The update is that I have tests on April 25th and 2 doctors appointments on the 26th. Kevin is flying in the 21st through the 27th. So he'll be here to make all of the important decisions with me. We may be facing surgery and we need wisdom as to whether to have it here or in Texarkana.

Pray for our finances and pray for our time apart. I miss everyone. These trips back and forth and shipping my feedings is also an expense. But I thank God for leading me through it all.

You never realize how strong you are until you have to go through something like this. I would like to think I'm strong. But even more, I'm happy. I am happy no matter what. If God didn't bless me with one more thing in my life, I would be blessed enough. I have so much love in my life. I have so much happiness in my life, and I can walk through this trial with my head held up high and say I will never leave or forsake you, God. I want to be a pleasing daughter to my Lord and to my earthly parents too. I'm going to be just fine.

Pray for me. That's what pulls me through.

I love each of you who reads this. Thanks for being there for me.

Love, Ami

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Update on my condition

Well, I thought that I would write a little blog to update all of my friends and family who want to know what's going on in my life.

I went to John's Hopkins University Hospital today. The good thing was that the 2 doctors that I saw were wonderful. They were so thorough and EVERYTHING I had hoped they would be. I praise God for that.

The bad news is that they were not very hopeful about my stomach situation. She explained that my stomach is like a sink. It doesn't move and it has a drain at the bottom. ANYTHING put into my stomach clogs the drain. So anyway, they are making me eat NOTHING at all by mouth. I mean NOTHING. I can have a little bit of water and less than liter of beverages during the day. She wants me to come back in two weeks. They are going to run some tests in the mean time to check my pancreas. She is concerned about the fact that I am on a lot of steroids and I'm in a lot of pain. But we're just taking things one step at a time.

The bad thing is that I will have to be away from my husband and my Texas family for longer than expected. I just know, though, that I am in good hands. My Kevin is so good to me and he wants me to get the top notch care.

They are talking about doing a surgery to put another tube in my stomach. It would help tremendously with the nausea and sickness. We aren't 100% sure whether we'll do the surgery here or back home. We will find out in 2 weeks what we're going to do about that.

There are a lot of decisions to make in these next few days. I really covet your prayers and ask that you pray for wisdom.

Kevin is planning to visit me and hopefully come to my next doctor's appointment here. Pray for finances and for wisdom for us. We are just wanting to do the best thing for my health.

Even though the doctors are not very hopeful, I know that Jesus is the great physician and He can do all of the healing I need. I know that the Lord is going to get all of the glory through all of these circumstances.

I am SO thankful for the Lord and all of the Love He has given me in my life. I can go through these trials. I just think of all of the Lord has blessed me with, and I will NOT complain about these things. I am not going to give the devil any place for any foothold. I have to stay strong and just focus on the Lord. Fully rely on God. That's what I'm doing right now.

Please pray for me to be strong. I can't make it without your praerys.

This is my update. I will keep you posted as to what the tests say and how long I'm going to be here in Maryland.

Thanks for the prayers for me and my husband Kevin!!!

Love you all,