Today is kindof a somber day for me. I am not trying to have a pity party. I guess I am just writing out of a sort of deep desire and struggle I am going through.
It has to do with me not eating.
Because I get so nauseated when I eat, I take a lot of anti-nausea medication, which in turn is affecting my liver a little bit. I just have to watch how much medication I am taking. The solution to the problem is basically not to eat much by mouth so I don't get sick and I don't have to take medicine.
That, my friends, is hard to do.
I am really struggling. Everywhere I look, there's food. I grew up loving food and looking forward to my next meal. Food is something that I cherish and so many memories I have are centered around fun times eating with my family.
So you can imagine how feeding on my feeding tube and only eating crackers and jello has been for me.
I can eat other things, the problem is that I have severe gastroparesis, which means my stomach just doesn't move to digest. Things just sit there and in turn make me sick. And I don't want to be sick.
It's been hard. I don't want to go places where food is around because it's literally like torturing me. I just am in a bad place mentally where everything smells good and my stomach growls and my mouth waters. I know what it will do to my stomach if I eat, but it's so hard denying yourself of something you need. It's been really tough. It's hard being around food.
Not to mention having a feeding tube. I dislike the looks of the tube. It inhibits me and makes me feel strange. I am a bit self conscious of it, so I don't really enjoy having to have it on much, except for in the comfort of my home where no one has to see me using it.
I hope this feeling will pass, and that maybe I will learn something important out of this trial. I already have learned to rely on God for strength. I just don't know how to get these cravings to go away. I just struggle so much with the desire to eat.
I know I will be okay. I am just a little bit down today...I will be back up and fighting soon. For today, I just want to rest and relax and not think about food!
Oh Ami, I can only imagine what your struggle is like. Praying for God to help you through it. love you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you're having to go through this. I wish I had some ideas to help you. I know what you mean about memories of good times centering around food and when I think about the seasons and what I love about them, food is always near the top of the list. So I can only imagine how hard this is. Focus on the other things that you love and that center on good memories, like your scrapbooking and art journaling. That can help keep your hands busy anyway. Your family and friends will understand if you say that you don't want to go to a restaurant. I know you feel self-conscious about the tube, but honestly, when we went to the mall the other day, I really didn't notice it and just thought the backpack was for carrying stuff like a purse. You're the strongest girl I know! I so admire your faith and know that God will bring you thru this too! Love you!!!
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