Tuesday, February 5, 2013

I'm going to be okay!

I have been writing a whole lot ever since I got home from my stay in Virginia. I have been writing in my journals, pouring out my feelings. I don’t quite know what to say to people sometimes, so I just write and it’s cathartic, almost therapeutic and after I write, I just shut them and don’t have to re-read them. Sometime maybe I will, but not now. Things are too raw.
I have been thinking a lot of Love recently. It’s the month of February and I love this month. Valentine’s month. When I was a little girl, I remember my daddy one Valentine’s Day giving me a pair of big chocolate lips. He had left them on the table in the kitchen for me to see before going off to school. I thought so much of that. It’s something that he did that I’m sure he doesn’t really remember…or maybe he does, but I remember and I loved those yummy lips. And my father in law…he’s so funny. I remember him calling on Valentines, and every year, he would come over with a box of chocolates for me. No matter what. I was his Valentine. I love my father and father in law so much.
I can’t eat those chocolates anymore. I guess I could, but it wouldn’t be pretty. I get so sick anymore at anything. I am very fortunate that I have a vent tube, so tonight I ate a few crackers, and afterwards I got so sick, I threw up a little bit, but I quickly drained from my tube and I felt better. Some people might think that’s gross or too much to share. But that’s my life.
I went to my local stomach doctor’s today. She’s wonderful. Dr. Laura Balmain, and she’s a Christian and she would do anything and everything to make me feel better. She told me how strong my faith is and how my testimony is so important and that she’s so proud of me. I was so thankful for her kind words. She told me that she’s really never had a patient that is as young as me on a feeding machine around the clock. She basically just asked me, “So how are you doing with all of this.”
Kevin was sitting next to me. I guess the question caught me by surprise. I mean, I wasn’t expecting that. I sometimes make myself clinical…I just say what’s happening, what I need, and what I need them to do to help. Doctors usually don’t ask you how you’re handling your diagnosis. I guess she could sense I was weak, pale and frail. I don’t know.
But when she asked me that question, the tears like a flood, just came. I guess I’m not coping as well as I thought I was. It’s funny. I’ll come home, and I’ll look in the pantry and see what I can have. Nothing. There’s nothing. I can drink some things, but even that makes me sick. Right now, Ritz Crackers are my nemesis. They call my name and whisper, “Eat me…just one.” So when I do, they always have to be vented and it’s an hour of agonizing time for a few bites of soggy crackers that I soak in salty broth. Not appetizing, but when it’s all you can have…it becomes like a steak or a pizza. I really want a pizza.
Anyway, I cried. Kevin held my hand. I forget sometimes that he’s right there. That’s where love comes into this. Sometimes the people that we love the most get the short end of the stick. Here he is, the one who lives with me. The one who watches me suffer as I stare into the pantry, as if some miracle food is going to pop out at me and say, “Here! I won’t make you throw up!”
It’s really funny. I tend to get frustrated the most at Kevin because I think he should know….he should know what bothers me and doesn’t. He’s not a mind reader, and I can tell, he just wants me to be truthful if something bothers him or not. He doesn’t want me to have food around me if it bothers me. It’s weird, sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn’t. But Kevin just wants to make life easier for me. He’ll do anything for me. He’d literally do anything he could to make my life a little more comfortable.
I know I’m rambling on a bit, but I guess I’ve been in a funk since I’ve been home these last few weeks. I didn’t realize how sick I am. The doctors at Hopkins said I was one of the 2 sickest that she had, and Dr. Balmain said that I’m pretty much her one and only that has round the clock enteral (Tube) feedings.
Part of what has had me so down is that I have voluntarily given up the privilege to drive, at least for a while. I am on serious meds and I have so many adrenal problems, that if I were to be driving and I hit someone or hurt anyone, I would be so devastated, and I couldn’t face that along with the fact that it could ruin us. So I am at the mercy of Kevin, who is wonderful, but he works a lot. So far he and my father in law have taken me to all of my appointments. I am so very blessed. It’s hard not to be able to hop in the car and go get my hair cut. It’s just one of those things. I know I have people that will take me places, and I know I have great friends, and don’t be afraid…you will be getting calls! I promise.
I’m not depressed or FAITHLESS. I have so much faith and I believe in my healing. I don’t want anyone to think that in any way. I’m just sharing feelings. So please don’t read this and think that I need some kind of intervention or help. I’m fine…just sharing my heart.
But just in the midst of the grumpy storm today, I heard God calling me, “Just pick up your Bible and read.” I had determined today that I wasn’t going to. I was just mad and I wasn’t going to read. But I kept feeling this prodding, so I did. It was Psalm 68:1-35 that was part of my daily reading. Here are some verses that I read and IMMEDIATELY, I knew that they were for me. Verse 3: May the righteous be glad and rejoice before God: May they be happy and joyful; Verse 19: Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who Daily bears our burdens; Verse28 Summon your power, O God, show us your strength, O God, as you have done before.”
Now if those verses weren’t for me and weren’t for this awful day of sorrow and anger, I don’t know how I would have made it through. I usually do my devotional time first thing in the morning, but today got all twisted around. I’m glad I did get all twisted around because I needed those verses TONIGHT. I needed to go to sleep and know that God is going to show me His strength and give me His when I have none. I needed to know that I have to praise Him. He is good. There is too much good to be grumpy.
Now how does this all relate back to love and what I’m supposed to say about love. I look at it this way. God loved me so much today to let me have my temper tantrum, to cry at the doctor’s office, to feel frustrated because I can’t drive, to get angry when something didn’t go my way, and then still give me a gift…the gift of his presence. The gift of His Words of comfort and peace. The fact is that I can have those words any time. I just have to read them.
I love God, I love my family and I love my friends. I love the love I feel when I get messages from you all. I am sorry I don’t respond in good time. I’m not on the computer much. I’m really trying to write letters and I’m going to start doing some more writing that will take time. Just know that I am thankful for your love and friendship. My friends are so precious to me! Thanks for reading my blog!!! 

1 comment:

  1. My local dr is Dr. Balmain also and I love her. She is the most compassionate dr I have ever seen.
    I don't have all the issues you have but I do understand what it is like to have food"mock" you. I get so frustrated when we go to the grocery store, there are things I want but can't have and most of the time I end up with nothing. My youngest son needs high fat foods so we are at opposite ends of eating.
    You are in my prayers Ami!!