Through Sunshine and Shade...

Another Day is over.
Another 24 hours.
I don't know how you spent yours. But if you'll listen for a moment, I'll tell you how I spent mine and why it was one of the best days I've had in a long time.

I had to go to Dallas yesterday morning because I had to have surgery to sow up my pump and check it and make sure that it was functioning right. Pretty basic stuff, but it was done under full general anesthesia, and there is a big incision and quite honestly it hurts a lot. That's part of the reason I'm up so late. I should be sleeping, but I'm a busy body...not one for lying here in pain with nothing to do. I have to write! :)

It's not any secret that I've struggled with health issues, and lately I have been a bit down. Usually I am pretty good at handling things. I have lived with illness for a long time, and I chose back when it got really rough, that I was going to live happy. Nothing would take my joy. I even told the Lord that, as conversationally as I'm talking to you. I said it out loud..."Lord, I'm going to be the best Christian and be Happy in this life, in Sunshine and in Shade."

So after my initial successes at John's Hopkins this past April, I was elated, and I still am quite frankly. My life from where it was a year ago, is greatly changed. I am so happy for that. However, when I began to have setbacks about 3 weeks ago, the doctors were a little concerned and made mention of some additional treatments and tests I will have to endure in the future which ultimately might lead to a big surgery.

I had been feeling so bad physically, and once I had the conversations with my doctors, my heart and usual up-beat spirit began to sink. I think everyone in life experiences moments when you get that way. When you get down and overwhelmed. I don't care who you are, or what you may be facing...I know that we're all human and frustration is inevitable. For some it's because of sickness, for some it's financial pressures, for some it's a marriage or family crisis, and for others it's a broken, damaged relationship or a bitter, angry heart or sadness because of loss. It can be any of these or all of these!

It's all the same. We all face things that quite frankly, get us down.

So I had been feeling a little down here for a week or so. The doctors are doing tests, and I'm back on a very limited soft/liquid/no fat at all diet (which totally works for me and I'm satisfied with ANY FOOD at this point). But what I was down about was the whole issue of this illness. I found myself frustrated a little bit, asking God what His plan was. Why have I experienced sudden setbacks after 3 good, happy months. Why am I now starting to feel so weak and nauseated? Why is the pain so intense again, why is my pancreas not working again?

I know that God isn't the author of disease and pain and sickness. Satan is. I know that by HIS stripes we are healed. And I also know that He doesn't give me more then I can handle.

So I've been battling over the course of a few days about things going on in my mind. I've been praying and talking to God. And as I was riding with Kevin in the car, my mind began to wander a bit.I just started to think.

For days, I had been stewing about my frustrations, wondering inside of myself silently, "Why would God bring me to this point, just to have me go through more surgery...a terribly difficult one at that, and how can I fix it."

That's when I had a God Moment!

First, the words my husband has said to me over and over again finally resonated within me.

"Ami,We'll get through it. You've got to STOP worrying!" He has told me that over and over, and every time, he's been right. We have always have gotten through it, no matter what it has been. And boy, there's been a lot!

And then, after I thought about Kevin telling me that, I immediately had a flash back of the sermon my pastor at Church on the Rock, John Miller, spoke two Sundays ago that has made me think every day since I heard it. In his sermon, he told about how Satan likes to get into any open doors in our lives. Any cracks that we leave, Satan will push open the door and try to move in. Pastor John quoted the verse in 2 Timothy 1:7, "God has not given us a spirit of fear."
Sure, how simple is that? Of course I always trust Him in day to day things, but lately I've let the fear of this next possibility of major surgery and more feeding tubes and tests and I left that door open for that mindset of anger, frustration and fear take a hold of me. I realized seriously that I have been letting this fear of everything I'm going through, rule my life like I never have before. I quoted the next part of that verse, which says "but of POWER, and of LOVE and of A SOUND MIND." That is what I SHOULD have. A spirit of Power, of Love and A SOUND (not a Fearful) mind!!! WOW!!!

And then after that thought, a song called, "If you Want me To," by a beautiful woman named Ginny Owens who is blind and plays the piano just came to mind.

The words are (a few of them):

"...This may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never walk alone..."


Those words pierced that spirit of fear like a balloon that was filled with water and once it was pricked, it burst open!!! I could literally feel the fear and worry and doubt and frustration and anger and tiredness and weakness just fell off of me and I clutched Kevin's hand and smiled.

I promised the Lord once a few years back whenever this all started with me that NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS...whatever path the Lord has, wherever it takes me, I would serve Him to the very best of my ability. If I'm fearful, scared, overwhelmed, frustrated, and worrying about this situation, it's not going to help me one bit. It's going to hinder my walk and testimony for God.

SO, I determined something that I knew all along, as I was my husband's hand today on the ride to Dallas, Texas. I realized that no matter what...I'm going to be okay! I have nothing to fear, as He promised me I'd never walk alone.

Deuteronomy 31:8 says "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."

So there it is.

In the Sunshine.
In the Shade.
I'm in it to serve Him. I'm not going to stop, to quit, to give up, to feel defeated. The battle has started and I've got the big guns on my side :)!!!

I publicly thank the Lord for the miracle He is working in my life. The Doctors once said I may never eat again, well while I'm not eating everything, for a while I was able to eat somewhat normally again without throwing up, and now, even after this setback, I'm still able to eat jello, pudding and animal crackers without throwing up yet. Little victories are HUGE to me! Thank you, Lord!!!

Being 100% honest, It is hard to be positive all of the time! It's hard because I have tremendous pain with this disease, even with medication. I don't really like to talk about the pain. It's just hard for me to handle, but I do enjoy sharing things about this process, and having people to listen, as sometimes I get lonely because my health and conditions do not allow me to do everything I love and desire to do. I'm so thankful my friends and family understand that. I have the best intentions, but sometimes I over-commit and that's my fault and something I am always working on! I just feel very blessed to have each one of you reading this as a part of my life.

There is beauty everywhere. I've been lapsing on my writing recently. I keep a gratitude journal, and because of the recent setbacks, I was so frustrated with the pain and such that I wasn't even writing in that. Bad idea. Being thankful, especially in the difficult times, keeps your mind focused on what is so good about living. My gratitude list today includes that 3 hour ride to Dallas, holding the hand of the man that I love and that the surgery I had was a success, and that my kitty cat is cuddling up right next to me as I write this blog. Beauty is the picture of my nephew with a funny face that my sister in law sent me. Beauty is looking forward to holding my Sister's new fat little twins when I go home late September for my consultation at Hopkins.

I am going to move past the "fear" stage, and the "unknown" stage.
And grasp a hold of God's hands. The hands that hold the world, hold my heart.
OF COURSE, in Sunshine
and In Shade!

Love you,
Ami :)