The Unknown...

I sit here right now in my living room. I am surrounded by books, mostly journals. I've been writing and doing some computer work and just trying to be comfortable.
Last week I had my first major setback since I got my gastric pacemaker.
For those of you who have been traveling this journey with me regarding my health, and have been praying for me, I know all of the things I mention about my health are difficult to understand and can be complicated. I know that, so for those who read on, I will try to simplify things.
I have Chronic Pancreatitis and Recently on April 3rd of this year, I got a gastric pacemaker put into my stomach to help with my motility issues. It had been 2 years since I'd eaten, and since the surgery, I've been eating again. At first, I ate bites of everything, but immediately I followed the doctors guidelines of what I could and couldn't eat.
The pancreas is a filter, and when your pancreas doesn't work right, things get out of whack, especially when you have Chronic Pancreatitis. It is very painful and distinct and when you have it, you can't usually eat because of the constant nausea and vomiting.
I had been doing very well, following my diet pretty good, except every now and then I would have a bite or two of something I would crave.
Well, Last week, I felt some terrible pains in the middle of my chest, and they are deep pains that squeeze. I felt my heart sink. Those pains are very familiar to me. They are pancreas pains.
My doctors confirmed that I was probably most likely having a mild flare of the pancreatitis that I live with. I haven't had one in a while, especially since they did Surgery at John's Hopkins. So when I have a flare of pancreatitis, basically, I can't eat for a while and then when I do eat, I am on a very strict diet of no fats and such. It's hard, but I've been through worse.
So for the past 3 days, I've had gut rest and I've been having some stomach problems that have been hard, but overall I'm feeling better today, although I haven't been very adventurous in my eating. The doctors are worried about me getting my nutrition and the right balance of what my body needs without getting dehydrated and they have even bounced around putting another tube in me for times like this when my pancreas acts up. At least then I could have my nourishment. All that will remain to be seen. I am, for now, just being monitored and I'm going to be okay.

You know, friends, I guess the thing that is the hard part for me regarding this illness, if I'm quite honest, is the unknown.
The doctors at Hopkins told me that they were sure my sugery was a success, but they were NOT sure just how long the pancreas would stay quiet or how long it would be until or IF my pancreas would act up again.
So the moment that I felt those awful pains, I got scared. I looked at my precious husband. We were sitting together and I told him how I was feeling and I could feel tears coming to my eyes. Emotions about all of the things we've been together through rushed over me. I don't like going through times of not eating. It's not even so much that as it is the way it makes me feel. The pain, the discomfort. Having had a feeding tube. I don't like the things that this disease does to my stomach. I don't like the nausea and vomiting and the other things I don't even need to mention so that you're not totally grossed out.
I just don't like it.
I've been so happy with the progress I've made since the surgery I had at Hopkins on April 3rd. But this last week has been hard because I have experienced a little setback, a little bit of a scare, but after resting and following doctors orders, I'm a little better today and I'm realizing that I have to come to terms with the unknown and that not knowing what's going to happen in the long run is okay! As long as I'm trusting in the one who knows it all!!!

I won't lie, It's hard for me because not eating is hard to do. I have to limit all fats and butters and oils. I have to not eat high fiber and many fruits and vegetables are off limits because of digestion issues. I am limited, and lately I have a real "Fear" of eating and putting something --- THE WRONG THING -- in my mouth because it could trigger a flare of pancreatitis. Lately I've been living off of Animal crackers and rice cakes because they are low in fat, but have flavor. I know I have to find things that I can really have. I'm trying to drink some protein shakes that have my vitamins, but sometimes even the fat in those bothers me and the squeezings will start.

I'm telling you these things so you will better understand and also pray for me.
Please also realize that I DO believe that God is healing me. I believe that He is working a mirracle, and no matter what I face, I won't let these setbacks, these little unknown areas of life dictate my happiness.

I keep a little charm in my pocket that says, "Live with Joy." That's all it says. It doesn't say, "Live with Joy when times are good and the sun is shining." It doesn't say "Live with Joy when you want to."
It just says "Live with Joy." That means all of the time. that means when you have setbacks. That means when the Unknown is all you know.
A beautiful friend gave me the devotional "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. It's a life changing book that I literally just read with such excitement every morning.
Today's devotion was so poignant. It said "When things seem to be going all wrong, stop and affirm your trust in Me. Calmly bring these matters to Me, and leave them in My capable hands..."
That's what I do with the unknown, my friends. Leave them in to the hands of the one who is capable. That is my Lord and Savior. These momentary setbacks, these temporary trials are just that...little setbacks, and if they become bigger, the same Lord and God that got me through the first round of things will get me through this next trial too.
It's okay to be down and have moments of sadness and frustration. As long as in the next breath we smile and take hold of things and ultimately live with joy!

Thank you for reading. I love you each!

Ami :)