It has been a long time since I have posted a blog and I have to apologize. Things have been busy for me, but I thought I would update everyone on things.
I'm going to be honest as I write this blog. I think most of you who read this and follow me really know me and understand what I am going through.
This has been probably the most frustrating and difficult period of my life. I feel so sick all of the time as of late. My pain is so excruciating most of the time. I just spent a week in the hospital because they couldn't get my pain and my pancreatitis under control. I am trying to step down and take less steroids in case I have to have surgery on my pancreas. When I do that, my body reacts terribly and I get sick. That causes tremendous pain, and I have such a high tolerance to the pain medicines since I've been on them for so long, that the medicines aren't working well and they just cut the pain sometimes. It's a hard place to be in.
The thing I am doing now to help myself the best way I know how is not to eat much at all. I haven't eaten much since last year, but I can't even eat soup or anything soft at all now. I am feeding on my feeding tube. I will allow myself broth and crackers, but not much more than that. I had been trying to eat rice and soft foods that I could tolerate, but I wasn't tolerating them well. I've decided that I can't keep getting sick like this, and eating things just aggravates the pancreas. Do you realize how hard it is not to eat anything? I mean anything at all. I am struggling with this so much. It's mental but it's also physical because I am so hungry. My stomach is empty all of the time because my feeding tube bypasses the stomach, so I have cravings but I can't satisfy them. It is a very frustrating feeling. Doctors say so coldly to me that I can only drink water. They just don't understand how hard that is. It just is. But truthfully I feel so much better when I don't eat. So that's the option now. So that's what I have to do. I don't like it and I don't want it. But it's my only chance at being okay for now.
The next step for me is to see all of my doctors over the next few weeks here in Texas. I am planning to be in Maryland in August for the repeat pancreas tests where they will determine if they need to do surgery on my pancreas or not. However, If I have another flare up between now and then, I will probably be coming to town sooner than that so that I can be treated by the experts.
My case is so complicated. I've found that if you're not a classic medical case or don't have a classic medical problem, the doctors are frustrated and throw their hands up. They want to put you in a mold, and when they can't, it frustrates them.
I just know I can't continue to live my life this way and in this much pain. Something has got to be done and I know that when I see the doctors in August, something will be done. I am just scared and nervous about what that may be. It could be something simple or something serious. The unknown is scary.
My faith in God is not shaken, however. It's funny how that is. To be honest, however, I have been more discouraged than I ever have been before. I have been down. That doesn't mean that my faith is shaken.I'm more secure in God's love for me than ever. For me, the fact that I have been down just means that I have to read His Word even more and pick myself up off the ground and keep moving on. I have to get the focus off of my problems and onto others and I need to pray for them and focus on praying for others. After the tears, I need to get up and go on.
It's been hard because I feel sick so much and I just pray for healing. I pray that even if I don't get healed that God would just take some of the pain away. That He would just make it easier for me. I just pray simple things like that. Truthfully, sometimes I don't know how to pray. I want God to know how much I love Him. I will never stop serving Him with my life. No matter what I go through, I will not quit. I will not quit praising Him for His goodness. I will not quit witnessing for Him. I will not quit telling others about Him. I will not quit praying. I will not quit believing in healing. I will not quit loving Him.
This is the scariest thing I've been through. It's scary to be in so much pain and fear you may never live a normal life. It's scary facing the fact that you may never eat normally again. It's scary to face life changing surgeries.
But I don't face anything alone. I have God. I have my husband. I have my family. I have my friends. I have God. I have God.
I read this in devotions the other day. It said in I Kings 8:23 NLT "O Lord, God of Israel, there is no God like You in all of Heaven above or on the earth below. You keep your covenant and show unfailing love to all who walk before you in wholehearted devotion."
Wholehearted devotion. That's what I want to have. I hope I have that.
Pray for me. I am pretty desperate for prayers. Of course for healing first and foremost, but also for the doctors to have wisdom to know what to do for me. Especially when I come home in August and see the specialists.
Thanks for letting me talk and thanks for listening. As I said, I've been a little down, and I am sure you can read that in this post. But I know all things work together for good as God says in the Bible, and I believe in the power of prayer.
Thanks so much to everyone who emails me and keeps me encouraged. You don't know what it means to get little messages in my inbox and stuff. You all are special to me in so many ways.
Thanks!!!! I'll write a more cheery post next time!!!!
Love, Ami
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
My Plan of Treatment
I wanted to write a blog to let everyone know what is happening with me. I try to blog about what is happening with my health so that all of my prayer warriors and praying buddies out there can know what’s happening to me.
I am currently seeking medical treatment because I have a condition called Gastroparesis, which is where your stomach doesn’t move. So I can’t really eat much. Most of you know that, and I’ve written a lot about it.
The newest development is that the stomach specialist at John’s Hopkins thought I should be seen by a pancreas doctor. So I had tests run on Monday of this week. The doctors found a mass growing on my pancreas, which greatly concerns them. They really don’t think that it is any kind of cancer, however they have not ruled that out 100%. They did a blood test which will help determine if there is any cancerous cells they should be worried about. I will find the results to that early next week.
The next step is to monitor the legions that are growing on my pancreas. They think that the mass could cause trouble if it grows or changes. This mass could be a result of the chronic pancreatitis that I have had since Sept. 09. Or it could be a benign tumor that is growing that could cause problems.
I can have surgery, but the long and short of it is that I am not healthy enough right now with all of my other problems. Plus it’s a risky surgery as to what they’d have to do.
So to make a long story short, I have to see a few more specialists and go through a few more tests over the next few weeks.
Then hopefully I will be able to come home to Texas for a month or two.
Then I will have to return to Baltimore to repeat all of the pancreas tests to see if the growth has changed. If it has, then we may have to do surgery. Any surgery involving the pancreas is very risky.
I still can’t eat much. I still am tube feeding. I will likely struggle with that all of my life, but I can eat little things here and there when I have to, but the less, the better. If I can tube feed, that’s optimal for me. So that’s mainly what I’m going to be doing so I can be comfortable.
I have a very important doctor’s visit tomorrow. I would appreciate your prayers regarding that. It’s at 1:15 p.m.
Saying all of this, I am confident in God that He has everything in control. We don’t know why this is happening, but my relationship with God is not contingent on what trials a go through. I love Jesus Christ more than anything , and He is the great physician. When He heals me of this, I will be able to praise Him and my healing will prove He does miracles today! I just know He is healing me already.
This is hard on me for several reasons. First, because I miss Kevin. For those of you who know me well, He is the absolute love of my life. He is my hero and the one I look to for comfort, love and most of all laughs during our doctor visits. He is my better half and without him, I couldn’t walk this road. I just couldn’t Secondly, I miss my Texas family. I miss my other mom and dad and family there.
My parents have been so good to me during this. I feel so needy. I feel like such a burden right now. I feel like I am sucking them dry from all of my appointments…having them drive me every day to Baltimore or Lutherville. It’s hard, but I know they love me. I cry because I’m not worthy of the Love they give. I am SO blessed. I adore my mom and dad and I am so thankful for God giving me them. I cry at the thought of all they have done for me. And I know they do it out of serious love for me. That’s exactly What it is…pure love.
Anyway, I am okay. I will be fine because the Lord is in control. Keep praying and I’ll keep you updated. We don’t want this growth to get bigger and we don’t want surgery or it to be cancer. Those are the things you can pray for right now. Pray that my stomach doesn’t get so sick all of the time and pray for my Husband and family.
I want everyone who reads this to know that I know God, the Lord Jesus Christ as my personal savior and friend. I know Him as my father, and I am never going to quit asking my father and my best friend for health and healing and happiness. But saying that, I am going to love Him no matter what I walk through. And I’m going to be happy doing it. I have been so blessed with so many things in my life, most of all Jesus’ love and my husband and family’s love. If I never have another blessing in my life, I would be satisfied and still be among the most blessed people in the world. I wouldn’t trade my life for anything in this world.
I hope I haven’t confused you. I am writing this kindof fast and I just wanted to get it typed up so that you all would be able to know what was going on!
I love you all!
Love, Ami :)
I am currently seeking medical treatment because I have a condition called Gastroparesis, which is where your stomach doesn’t move. So I can’t really eat much. Most of you know that, and I’ve written a lot about it.
The newest development is that the stomach specialist at John’s Hopkins thought I should be seen by a pancreas doctor. So I had tests run on Monday of this week. The doctors found a mass growing on my pancreas, which greatly concerns them. They really don’t think that it is any kind of cancer, however they have not ruled that out 100%. They did a blood test which will help determine if there is any cancerous cells they should be worried about. I will find the results to that early next week.
The next step is to monitor the legions that are growing on my pancreas. They think that the mass could cause trouble if it grows or changes. This mass could be a result of the chronic pancreatitis that I have had since Sept. 09. Or it could be a benign tumor that is growing that could cause problems.
I can have surgery, but the long and short of it is that I am not healthy enough right now with all of my other problems. Plus it’s a risky surgery as to what they’d have to do.
So to make a long story short, I have to see a few more specialists and go through a few more tests over the next few weeks.
Then hopefully I will be able to come home to Texas for a month or two.
Then I will have to return to Baltimore to repeat all of the pancreas tests to see if the growth has changed. If it has, then we may have to do surgery. Any surgery involving the pancreas is very risky.
I still can’t eat much. I still am tube feeding. I will likely struggle with that all of my life, but I can eat little things here and there when I have to, but the less, the better. If I can tube feed, that’s optimal for me. So that’s mainly what I’m going to be doing so I can be comfortable.
I have a very important doctor’s visit tomorrow. I would appreciate your prayers regarding that. It’s at 1:15 p.m.
Saying all of this, I am confident in God that He has everything in control. We don’t know why this is happening, but my relationship with God is not contingent on what trials a go through. I love Jesus Christ more than anything , and He is the great physician. When He heals me of this, I will be able to praise Him and my healing will prove He does miracles today! I just know He is healing me already.
This is hard on me for several reasons. First, because I miss Kevin. For those of you who know me well, He is the absolute love of my life. He is my hero and the one I look to for comfort, love and most of all laughs during our doctor visits. He is my better half and without him, I couldn’t walk this road. I just couldn’t Secondly, I miss my Texas family. I miss my other mom and dad and family there.
My parents have been so good to me during this. I feel so needy. I feel like such a burden right now. I feel like I am sucking them dry from all of my appointments…having them drive me every day to Baltimore or Lutherville. It’s hard, but I know they love me. I cry because I’m not worthy of the Love they give. I am SO blessed. I adore my mom and dad and I am so thankful for God giving me them. I cry at the thought of all they have done for me. And I know they do it out of serious love for me. That’s exactly What it is…pure love.
Anyway, I am okay. I will be fine because the Lord is in control. Keep praying and I’ll keep you updated. We don’t want this growth to get bigger and we don’t want surgery or it to be cancer. Those are the things you can pray for right now. Pray that my stomach doesn’t get so sick all of the time and pray for my Husband and family.
I want everyone who reads this to know that I know God, the Lord Jesus Christ as my personal savior and friend. I know Him as my father, and I am never going to quit asking my father and my best friend for health and healing and happiness. But saying that, I am going to love Him no matter what I walk through. And I’m going to be happy doing it. I have been so blessed with so many things in my life, most of all Jesus’ love and my husband and family’s love. If I never have another blessing in my life, I would be satisfied and still be among the most blessed people in the world. I wouldn’t trade my life for anything in this world.
I hope I haven’t confused you. I am writing this kindof fast and I just wanted to get it typed up so that you all would be able to know what was going on!
I love you all!
Love, Ami :)
Thursday, April 21, 2011
I want a cheeseburger!
I'm hungry.
There's no getting around it.
I'm just hungry.
I want a big cheeseburger. A great big cheeseburger with extra cheese and ketchup. I would even put mayonnaise on it. But I wouldn't put mustard on it. I just want the meat.
This not eating has been really hard for me. I can't eat anything because of my stomach condition. The doctor didn't want me eating anything at all, but I am allowing myself to eat popsicles and suck on some hard candy. I am also allowing myself to drink whatever I want. I still get sick to my stomach, but I have to have a little bit of flavor.
When it comes to eating, you don't realize what you are missing until it's not there. I mean, I never figured that I'd be denied the basic function of eating. I mean, it's such a basic thing, but it's such a pivotal part of life. It's funny how much of life revolves around eating. It's something that you do when you don't know what else to do. It's something you do when you want to meet with a friend...you just get something to eat or talk over lunch. It's Easter dinner, a birthday party with cake, and popcorn at a movie.
I promised myself that if...or when (see, I'm being positive!) I eat again, I am going to allow myself to eat what I can. And I'm not going to take it for granted. I'm going to enjoy eating. I'm not going to worry about my weight. I'm going to enjoy eating and enjoy flavors. I'm going to enjoy everything I can enjoy. I don't know to what capacity my stomach will work again. Unless I receive a miraculous healing, which is what I am totally holding out for and believing in, I don't know how well it will ever work again. But when it does work and we get a solution to this stomach situation, I'm going to enjoy a cheeseburger.
I like to think and dream about food. I love to think about what I would eat if I could. Some think it's torturous to eat in front of me. It really doesn't bother me, and if it does bother me, I leave and go to the next room or remove myself when I need to. I just like to think about eating. I know it may be strange to some people, but I really like to think about pizza and fruit and Italian food...something other than popsicles and juice.
This is just a part of life, at least a major part of it right now for me. It's funny how you miss things when they are not there anymore. Even something so basic as eating. You'd think things would get easier and they will, I hope.
I know it's all going to be okay.
There's no getting around it.
I'm just hungry.
I want a big cheeseburger. A great big cheeseburger with extra cheese and ketchup. I would even put mayonnaise on it. But I wouldn't put mustard on it. I just want the meat.
This not eating has been really hard for me. I can't eat anything because of my stomach condition. The doctor didn't want me eating anything at all, but I am allowing myself to eat popsicles and suck on some hard candy. I am also allowing myself to drink whatever I want. I still get sick to my stomach, but I have to have a little bit of flavor.
When it comes to eating, you don't realize what you are missing until it's not there. I mean, I never figured that I'd be denied the basic function of eating. I mean, it's such a basic thing, but it's such a pivotal part of life. It's funny how much of life revolves around eating. It's something that you do when you don't know what else to do. It's something you do when you want to meet with a friend...you just get something to eat or talk over lunch. It's Easter dinner, a birthday party with cake, and popcorn at a movie.
I promised myself that if...or when (see, I'm being positive!) I eat again, I am going to allow myself to eat what I can. And I'm not going to take it for granted. I'm going to enjoy eating. I'm not going to worry about my weight. I'm going to enjoy eating and enjoy flavors. I'm going to enjoy everything I can enjoy. I don't know to what capacity my stomach will work again. Unless I receive a miraculous healing, which is what I am totally holding out for and believing in, I don't know how well it will ever work again. But when it does work and we get a solution to this stomach situation, I'm going to enjoy a cheeseburger.
I like to think and dream about food. I love to think about what I would eat if I could. Some think it's torturous to eat in front of me. It really doesn't bother me, and if it does bother me, I leave and go to the next room or remove myself when I need to. I just like to think about eating. I know it may be strange to some people, but I really like to think about pizza and fruit and Italian food...something other than popsicles and juice.
This is just a part of life, at least a major part of it right now for me. It's funny how you miss things when they are not there anymore. Even something so basic as eating. You'd think things would get easier and they will, I hope.
I know it's all going to be okay.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
A little more venting from me!
Hello everyone. I am sitting here in my parents's basement house at 1 a.m., and I couldn't sleep so I am just thinking. Thinking about so many things.
I am not trying to be down. I am just being honest and I have to be. I just wanted to write a little bit and kind of share some of my struggles.
This not eating anything at all is really playing some crazy tricks on my mind. It seems like everything I see makes me think of food. I keep craving things like ham and steak and pizza. I would eat even a McGriddle, and I absolutely hate McGriddles at McDonalds. You know I'm desperate when that crosses my mind. That and Liver. Boy, I'd even eat liver, especially if it had onions.
I am allowing myself popsicles and some hard candy of some sort. I am allowing myself to suck and bite on that and have some flavor through the popsicles. I just told the doctor I had to have something.
Truthfully, my stomach is better when I'm not eating anything at all. I only had to take nausea medication two times today. It's not as bad when I'm not eating.
But that is such a hard thing to do. Not eating is like one of the things in life that I enjoy so much. Food had always been an integral part of my family. My mom cooks so good and so do my sisters. They know how to cook and they have it all down pat. But now I can't eat, and I really feel terrible because they don't want to eat around me. That doesn't bother me. I am just fine and I've got to get used to this. It's not something I want to get used to, but I have to.
I don't understand why the Lord wants us to walk through these valleys. I really don't understand why we have to go through things that don't make sense at the time, but I know it's in God's plan. My prayer is to keep the most positive attitude that I can me during all of these trials and when I look back, I will be stronger for them. I long to have a stronger relationship with the Lord. I just do. I want the Lord to be seen as Good and Holy and perfect. I want Him to be glorified in my life. I truly am nothing and could do nothing at all apart from my Heavenly father. He is my rock, and has given me so much.
This not eating thing is so hard. It's so essential to life, but I know that I can do it. I am stronger than I think. Anything to get better.
The update is that I have tests on April 25th and 2 doctors appointments on the 26th. Kevin is flying in the 21st through the 27th. So he'll be here to make all of the important decisions with me. We may be facing surgery and we need wisdom as to whether to have it here or in Texarkana.
Pray for our finances and pray for our time apart. I miss everyone. These trips back and forth and shipping my feedings is also an expense. But I thank God for leading me through it all.
You never realize how strong you are until you have to go through something like this. I would like to think I'm strong. But even more, I'm happy. I am happy no matter what. If God didn't bless me with one more thing in my life, I would be blessed enough. I have so much love in my life. I have so much happiness in my life, and I can walk through this trial with my head held up high and say I will never leave or forsake you, God. I want to be a pleasing daughter to my Lord and to my earthly parents too. I'm going to be just fine.
Pray for me. That's what pulls me through.
I love each of you who reads this. Thanks for being there for me.
Love, Ami
I am not trying to be down. I am just being honest and I have to be. I just wanted to write a little bit and kind of share some of my struggles.
This not eating anything at all is really playing some crazy tricks on my mind. It seems like everything I see makes me think of food. I keep craving things like ham and steak and pizza. I would eat even a McGriddle, and I absolutely hate McGriddles at McDonalds. You know I'm desperate when that crosses my mind. That and Liver. Boy, I'd even eat liver, especially if it had onions.
I am allowing myself popsicles and some hard candy of some sort. I am allowing myself to suck and bite on that and have some flavor through the popsicles. I just told the doctor I had to have something.
Truthfully, my stomach is better when I'm not eating anything at all. I only had to take nausea medication two times today. It's not as bad when I'm not eating.
But that is such a hard thing to do. Not eating is like one of the things in life that I enjoy so much. Food had always been an integral part of my family. My mom cooks so good and so do my sisters. They know how to cook and they have it all down pat. But now I can't eat, and I really feel terrible because they don't want to eat around me. That doesn't bother me. I am just fine and I've got to get used to this. It's not something I want to get used to, but I have to.
I don't understand why the Lord wants us to walk through these valleys. I really don't understand why we have to go through things that don't make sense at the time, but I know it's in God's plan. My prayer is to keep the most positive attitude that I can me during all of these trials and when I look back, I will be stronger for them. I long to have a stronger relationship with the Lord. I just do. I want the Lord to be seen as Good and Holy and perfect. I want Him to be glorified in my life. I truly am nothing and could do nothing at all apart from my Heavenly father. He is my rock, and has given me so much.
This not eating thing is so hard. It's so essential to life, but I know that I can do it. I am stronger than I think. Anything to get better.
The update is that I have tests on April 25th and 2 doctors appointments on the 26th. Kevin is flying in the 21st through the 27th. So he'll be here to make all of the important decisions with me. We may be facing surgery and we need wisdom as to whether to have it here or in Texarkana.
Pray for our finances and pray for our time apart. I miss everyone. These trips back and forth and shipping my feedings is also an expense. But I thank God for leading me through it all.
You never realize how strong you are until you have to go through something like this. I would like to think I'm strong. But even more, I'm happy. I am happy no matter what. If God didn't bless me with one more thing in my life, I would be blessed enough. I have so much love in my life. I have so much happiness in my life, and I can walk through this trial with my head held up high and say I will never leave or forsake you, God. I want to be a pleasing daughter to my Lord and to my earthly parents too. I'm going to be just fine.
Pray for me. That's what pulls me through.
I love each of you who reads this. Thanks for being there for me.
Love, Ami
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Update on my condition
Well, I thought that I would write a little blog to update all of my friends and family who want to know what's going on in my life.
I went to John's Hopkins University Hospital today. The good thing was that the 2 doctors that I saw were wonderful. They were so thorough and EVERYTHING I had hoped they would be. I praise God for that.
The bad news is that they were not very hopeful about my stomach situation. She explained that my stomach is like a sink. It doesn't move and it has a drain at the bottom. ANYTHING put into my stomach clogs the drain. So anyway, they are making me eat NOTHING at all by mouth. I mean NOTHING. I can have a little bit of water and less than liter of beverages during the day. She wants me to come back in two weeks. They are going to run some tests in the mean time to check my pancreas. She is concerned about the fact that I am on a lot of steroids and I'm in a lot of pain. But we're just taking things one step at a time.
The bad thing is that I will have to be away from my husband and my Texas family for longer than expected. I just know, though, that I am in good hands. My Kevin is so good to me and he wants me to get the top notch care.
They are talking about doing a surgery to put another tube in my stomach. It would help tremendously with the nausea and sickness. We aren't 100% sure whether we'll do the surgery here or back home. We will find out in 2 weeks what we're going to do about that.
There are a lot of decisions to make in these next few days. I really covet your prayers and ask that you pray for wisdom.
Kevin is planning to visit me and hopefully come to my next doctor's appointment here. Pray for finances and for wisdom for us. We are just wanting to do the best thing for my health.
Even though the doctors are not very hopeful, I know that Jesus is the great physician and He can do all of the healing I need. I know that the Lord is going to get all of the glory through all of these circumstances.
I am SO thankful for the Lord and all of the Love He has given me in my life. I can go through these trials. I just think of all of the Lord has blessed me with, and I will NOT complain about these things. I am not going to give the devil any place for any foothold. I have to stay strong and just focus on the Lord. Fully rely on God. That's what I'm doing right now.
Please pray for me to be strong. I can't make it without your praerys.
This is my update. I will keep you posted as to what the tests say and how long I'm going to be here in Maryland.
Thanks for the prayers for me and my husband Kevin!!!
Love you all,
Ami
I went to John's Hopkins University Hospital today. The good thing was that the 2 doctors that I saw were wonderful. They were so thorough and EVERYTHING I had hoped they would be. I praise God for that.
The bad news is that they were not very hopeful about my stomach situation. She explained that my stomach is like a sink. It doesn't move and it has a drain at the bottom. ANYTHING put into my stomach clogs the drain. So anyway, they are making me eat NOTHING at all by mouth. I mean NOTHING. I can have a little bit of water and less than liter of beverages during the day. She wants me to come back in two weeks. They are going to run some tests in the mean time to check my pancreas. She is concerned about the fact that I am on a lot of steroids and I'm in a lot of pain. But we're just taking things one step at a time.
The bad thing is that I will have to be away from my husband and my Texas family for longer than expected. I just know, though, that I am in good hands. My Kevin is so good to me and he wants me to get the top notch care.
They are talking about doing a surgery to put another tube in my stomach. It would help tremendously with the nausea and sickness. We aren't 100% sure whether we'll do the surgery here or back home. We will find out in 2 weeks what we're going to do about that.
There are a lot of decisions to make in these next few days. I really covet your prayers and ask that you pray for wisdom.
Kevin is planning to visit me and hopefully come to my next doctor's appointment here. Pray for finances and for wisdom for us. We are just wanting to do the best thing for my health.
Even though the doctors are not very hopeful, I know that Jesus is the great physician and He can do all of the healing I need. I know that the Lord is going to get all of the glory through all of these circumstances.
I am SO thankful for the Lord and all of the Love He has given me in my life. I can go through these trials. I just think of all of the Lord has blessed me with, and I will NOT complain about these things. I am not going to give the devil any place for any foothold. I have to stay strong and just focus on the Lord. Fully rely on God. That's what I'm doing right now.
Please pray for me to be strong. I can't make it without your praerys.
This is my update. I will keep you posted as to what the tests say and how long I'm going to be here in Maryland.
Thanks for the prayers for me and my husband Kevin!!!
Love you all,
Ami
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Sisters
I’m sitting here on the couch at 4:30 a.m. just thinking. It’s been a very emotional week for me. I have been so reflective, contemplating my life and everything about it.
So much has happened to me in these short 34 years, and the only word that I can think of to describe my life is the word “blessed.” In so many ways, I have been blessed, and some of the biggest blessings in my life are the relationships I have. Those relationships with my husband and parents and friends have shaped me and molded me into the person I am today.
But when I think about the relationships I love the most in my life, It would have to be the ones I have with my sisters. Just thinking about my 3 sisters brings tears to my eyes. Memories pour through my mind. Memories that make me smile, laugh and cry.
It’s so funny. My sisters are so different and they have each filled a need and a void in my life that could never have been filled by anyone else. They are the greatest gift my mother and father ever gave me. A gift that I wouldn’t trade for all of the money or fame in the world.
Just the other night I stared at Darla, my sister who is 3 years younger than I am, as she sat with me on the floor in my parent’s basement. We were sitting together, just talking. I looked into her pretty blue eyes and touched her long straight golden hair. I twirled it in my fingers as she talked about her little girls.
Darla is 31 and I am 34, but I can so easily remember when she was 10 and I was 12. I couldn’t stand her because she annoyed me. I remember being so impatient as I couldn’t wait until we would move into our new house in Upper Marlboro so that I wouldn’t have to share a bedroom with her anymore. I didn’t like her tattling on me, and I didn’t want to share anything with her anymore.
I didn’t like that she had all of the baby dolls, either. I remember how she got this special Baby Alive doll for her birthday. The doll looked so real, and I was jealous. I wanted to play baby dolls, too, but only because she did. So I pretended to be a mother to Thumbelina – the doll with the cloth body and the bad hair. I wanted to be like Darla, but I didn’t want her to know that. I was jealous that she could play the piano, and I was jealous that she was always the teacher when we played school.
Last night I watched Darla’s two little girls as they played together, and they reminded me of us.
I remember not liking my sister Darla sometimes, but I also remember really loving her, too. I remember those Christmas mornings when we’d push our twin beds together and dream of what we’d get from Santa Claus. I remember playing outside and making obstacle courses in the summertime. I remember sitting at the dinner table and playing like we were kids in an orphanage when we didn’t like the food mom was serving. I loved swimming in the pool with her and playing Barbies together. I loved having singing competitions in the van when we’d go on trips.
When I look at Darla, I see strength and I see Christ’s hands. She’s taught me that people need love and that they need Jesus. She’s never cared what anyone but Jesus thinks of her, and I love that about her.
If Darla has taught me about strength, then my older sister Cherie has taught me about compassion. Cherie is 5 years older than me, and I was never ever jealous of her. Quite honestly, I was in awe of her. I kindof idolized her. She was the pretty older sister that was in high school when I was in 7th grade. She was a Senior. I remember her walking down the hallway with her friends. She had a big locker, and when she’d wave at me, I felt important. She never made me feel like the stupid little sister. I loved when she drove me around and when she’d let me wear her jewelry or clothes. She had these black sunglasses with paint splashes on them. I loved when she let me wear them.
I remember when she was homecoming queen and she wore her purple dress. It was so pretty. She wore the crown and she let me stand beside her. I remember the time she took me to the movies with her own money. We drove all around town to see “The Vanishing.” It was the dumbest movie, but I remember that she took me alone and treated me to the movie all on her own. She paid for it all!
I am sure I annoyed her as I followed in her footsteps, working at the same store she worked at when I was old enough. But she was my supervisor and she treated me fairly. She was never hateful, even though I was immature. I remember her kindness and the fact that she would take me places. She didn’t ever leave me out.
She was older than me and I can remember crying my eyes out when she left for college. I hated every minute she was gone. I was so happy when she came back home and didn’t go back the next year.
I just loved my big sister. I thought she was cool and she was everything I wanted to be. She took care of everything and to this day she still takes care of things. She is the nurturing, loving mom who is filled with love and compassion for everyone. She has taught me what dedication, loyalty and friendship means.
And then there’s my littlest sister Betsy, who is 6 years younger than me. I remember sitting on the bed with Betsy in her bedroom on Flag Day. She wanted to get saved and she asked Jesus into her heart that day. I got to be there for her. I remember many times when I would bribe Betsy into get me an iced tea or candy. I would tell her that I would tell mom that she did something bad unless Betsy would go get me what I wanted. She was easily tricked, especially if Darla joined in with me. We would use Betsy’s Barbies, and we’d leave her out of the game many times. She got the job of doing everything we wanted her to do without much reward, and she was teased mercilessly. I always felt like Betsy looked up to me. I loved taking her roller skating on Saturdays, and I remember being there for pivotal events in her life. Betsy has this knack of making me feel so important and needed. One of the greatest moments in my life happened this week when my nephew was born into this world. Betsy asked me to stay in the delivery room. I was so honored to be asked to witness the birth of her son. The fact that she wanted me with her made me feel so important and needed. I felt so honored and trusted to be there to see my nephew enter this world. I can’t have children and I always felt cheated of the ability to experience the miracle of child birth. But It was just so special to be asked to witness the birth of my precious nephew. I got to be there during the entire delivery. I got to see the miracle of birth, and I wasn’t even expecting it. Betsy has that way about her. She’s always surprising me and she’s so thoughtful to think of me. I remember when she found out that she was pregnant. She was worried to tell me that she was pregnant because she knew that I can’t have kids although I really want them. She was so concerned as to how I would take the news that she would be a mom. She cried, and I cried, for happiness, of course. And I cried when I saw my nephew enter this world. What a gift Betsy gave me! A chance to see this little life come into the world.
My sisters have each been so special to me. Their presence in my life has shaped me and made me into a better person. I love them and couldn’t imagine walking through this life without them.
They each play this certain roll in my life. They fill a cavity, a part of me that wouldn’t be whole without them.
I talk to them each several times a week, and even though we live far away, they are still near to my heart.
They each have children, and I especially pray for Darla’s girls to have the kind of sister relationship that I have with my sisters. It’s a bond that will never be severed. It’s a bond that I promise to always cherish and one I’ll never take for granted.
So much has happened to me in these short 34 years, and the only word that I can think of to describe my life is the word “blessed.” In so many ways, I have been blessed, and some of the biggest blessings in my life are the relationships I have. Those relationships with my husband and parents and friends have shaped me and molded me into the person I am today.
But when I think about the relationships I love the most in my life, It would have to be the ones I have with my sisters. Just thinking about my 3 sisters brings tears to my eyes. Memories pour through my mind. Memories that make me smile, laugh and cry.
It’s so funny. My sisters are so different and they have each filled a need and a void in my life that could never have been filled by anyone else. They are the greatest gift my mother and father ever gave me. A gift that I wouldn’t trade for all of the money or fame in the world.
Just the other night I stared at Darla, my sister who is 3 years younger than I am, as she sat with me on the floor in my parent’s basement. We were sitting together, just talking. I looked into her pretty blue eyes and touched her long straight golden hair. I twirled it in my fingers as she talked about her little girls.
Darla is 31 and I am 34, but I can so easily remember when she was 10 and I was 12. I couldn’t stand her because she annoyed me. I remember being so impatient as I couldn’t wait until we would move into our new house in Upper Marlboro so that I wouldn’t have to share a bedroom with her anymore. I didn’t like her tattling on me, and I didn’t want to share anything with her anymore.
I didn’t like that she had all of the baby dolls, either. I remember how she got this special Baby Alive doll for her birthday. The doll looked so real, and I was jealous. I wanted to play baby dolls, too, but only because she did. So I pretended to be a mother to Thumbelina – the doll with the cloth body and the bad hair. I wanted to be like Darla, but I didn’t want her to know that. I was jealous that she could play the piano, and I was jealous that she was always the teacher when we played school.
Last night I watched Darla’s two little girls as they played together, and they reminded me of us.
I remember not liking my sister Darla sometimes, but I also remember really loving her, too. I remember those Christmas mornings when we’d push our twin beds together and dream of what we’d get from Santa Claus. I remember playing outside and making obstacle courses in the summertime. I remember sitting at the dinner table and playing like we were kids in an orphanage when we didn’t like the food mom was serving. I loved swimming in the pool with her and playing Barbies together. I loved having singing competitions in the van when we’d go on trips.
When I look at Darla, I see strength and I see Christ’s hands. She’s taught me that people need love and that they need Jesus. She’s never cared what anyone but Jesus thinks of her, and I love that about her.
If Darla has taught me about strength, then my older sister Cherie has taught me about compassion. Cherie is 5 years older than me, and I was never ever jealous of her. Quite honestly, I was in awe of her. I kindof idolized her. She was the pretty older sister that was in high school when I was in 7th grade. She was a Senior. I remember her walking down the hallway with her friends. She had a big locker, and when she’d wave at me, I felt important. She never made me feel like the stupid little sister. I loved when she drove me around and when she’d let me wear her jewelry or clothes. She had these black sunglasses with paint splashes on them. I loved when she let me wear them.
I remember when she was homecoming queen and she wore her purple dress. It was so pretty. She wore the crown and she let me stand beside her. I remember the time she took me to the movies with her own money. We drove all around town to see “The Vanishing.” It was the dumbest movie, but I remember that she took me alone and treated me to the movie all on her own. She paid for it all!
I am sure I annoyed her as I followed in her footsteps, working at the same store she worked at when I was old enough. But she was my supervisor and she treated me fairly. She was never hateful, even though I was immature. I remember her kindness and the fact that she would take me places. She didn’t ever leave me out.
She was older than me and I can remember crying my eyes out when she left for college. I hated every minute she was gone. I was so happy when she came back home and didn’t go back the next year.
I just loved my big sister. I thought she was cool and she was everything I wanted to be. She took care of everything and to this day she still takes care of things. She is the nurturing, loving mom who is filled with love and compassion for everyone. She has taught me what dedication, loyalty and friendship means.
And then there’s my littlest sister Betsy, who is 6 years younger than me. I remember sitting on the bed with Betsy in her bedroom on Flag Day. She wanted to get saved and she asked Jesus into her heart that day. I got to be there for her. I remember many times when I would bribe Betsy into get me an iced tea or candy. I would tell her that I would tell mom that she did something bad unless Betsy would go get me what I wanted. She was easily tricked, especially if Darla joined in with me. We would use Betsy’s Barbies, and we’d leave her out of the game many times. She got the job of doing everything we wanted her to do without much reward, and she was teased mercilessly. I always felt like Betsy looked up to me. I loved taking her roller skating on Saturdays, and I remember being there for pivotal events in her life. Betsy has this knack of making me feel so important and needed. One of the greatest moments in my life happened this week when my nephew was born into this world. Betsy asked me to stay in the delivery room. I was so honored to be asked to witness the birth of her son. The fact that she wanted me with her made me feel so important and needed. I felt so honored and trusted to be there to see my nephew enter this world. I can’t have children and I always felt cheated of the ability to experience the miracle of child birth. But It was just so special to be asked to witness the birth of my precious nephew. I got to be there during the entire delivery. I got to see the miracle of birth, and I wasn’t even expecting it. Betsy has that way about her. She’s always surprising me and she’s so thoughtful to think of me. I remember when she found out that she was pregnant. She was worried to tell me that she was pregnant because she knew that I can’t have kids although I really want them. She was so concerned as to how I would take the news that she would be a mom. She cried, and I cried, for happiness, of course. And I cried when I saw my nephew enter this world. What a gift Betsy gave me! A chance to see this little life come into the world.
My sisters have each been so special to me. Their presence in my life has shaped me and made me into a better person. I love them and couldn’t imagine walking through this life without them.
They each play this certain roll in my life. They fill a cavity, a part of me that wouldn’t be whole without them.
I talk to them each several times a week, and even though we live far away, they are still near to my heart.
They each have children, and I especially pray for Darla’s girls to have the kind of sister relationship that I have with my sisters. It’s a bond that will never be severed. It’s a bond that I promise to always cherish and one I’ll never take for granted.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Baby Benjamin
On March 21st, I got to experience one of the most amazing moments in my life.
I got to see my nephew Benjamin Ryan Herold be born into this world.
It’s something I wasn’t expecting to get to do. Not just now, but ever in my lifetime. Because of my own health situation, I never thought I would get the chance to experience a child being born. It was one of the things that I thought this disease had taken from me.
But I was wrong.
My sister asked if I would stay in the delivery room with her. Of course I wanted to, but to hear her say she wanted me to was special in and of itself. Her husband wanted me to stay too.
I am used to being the big sister, but there she was, my little sissy getting ready to have a baby. She was so strong and while she was in a great deal of pain, she was beautiful and ready to go through all of the agony, just to deliver this perfect bundle of joy. I watched her as she struggled to deliver him. I got to be there to hold her hand and to help her count her breathing. It was an amazing event – being there through the pain, and helping her as she needed me.
It was so amazing, getting to watch this little life come into the world. When he entered this world, I began to cry.
He was so big and beautiful – all 9.7 pounds of him. All I could think of was all of the love that he was coming into. He is loved by so many already. I just thought of how many people are going to love him and adore him for the rest of his life. He screamed and I got to see him as the doctor and Robert cut the umbilical chord. It was neat to hear his little voice as he cried.
I was so proud of my sister for bringing this little life into the world. I looked at my sister’s face, her tired agony was over. She never looked so beautiful. Her face wore her pain, and her eyes drooped in sheer exhaustion. I was so proud of her.
Then I began to think about this little life.
He is born into this world now. He has so many roads he could travel. He will have so many opportunities in life. He is so perfect and precious and so untouched by this cold world.
I don’t have much to offer my nephew, other than all of the love in the world. So I have decided to pray for him, every day of his life. I have written this little prayer and letter to him:
To my dear Nephew Benjamin:
I watched you come into this world tonight, with all of your beautiful black hair and bright eyes. You screamed as we cried with happiness that you were finally here. You are the picture of beauty and what happens when two people love one another so much.
Benjamin, I love you. I love you so much that I’m going to tell you how much. I love you so much that I would do anything in this world for you. I would give my life for yours. Just like Jesus gave his life to save yours. That’s how much I love you. That’s how much Jesus loves you. Oh Benjamin, you are coming into a world that at sometimes will be cruel, but my prayer to you is that you will always look to your Savior Jesus Christ for all of the answers in life. He will guide you, baby Benjamin. He will never leave you or lead you down the wrong path.
I promise to be there for you Benjamin, when you get tired or when you struggle, I will promise to be there to pick you up and give you what you need, but most of all point you to the one who can give you everything you need in every way. Jesus Christ died for you to save you, and all you need is His eternal life to go to Heaven. He will provide you with eternal life and then everything else that you need to follow him successfully.
Baby Benjamin, as you grow older, I want to be someone who you can call on to love you, to take care of you and to help you throughout the dark and lonely times, but also through the good and beautiful times too.
As long as I am around, I will do everything to protect you from anyone who tries to hurt you. I will keep you close to the Lord in prayer and I will sacrifice to give you anything you need if it’s in my power to give it to you.
I want you to have a relationship with me, but also with the Lord Jesus Christ. I promise to steer you always toward a strong relationship with Him. He is your Savior, and the one who will be there when I can’t be. He will be your everything. I pray you will fully know Him at an early age, and I pray you will love Him and serve Him all of the days of your life. I will do everything in my power to make sure that happens.
I love you, as I love all of my nieces and nephews. I pray this over your life. I pray that you are strong mentally, physically, and spiritually and that you will grow in the grace and knowledge of Christ every day that you live.
I love you,
Love Aunt Ami
I got to see my nephew Benjamin Ryan Herold be born into this world.
It’s something I wasn’t expecting to get to do. Not just now, but ever in my lifetime. Because of my own health situation, I never thought I would get the chance to experience a child being born. It was one of the things that I thought this disease had taken from me.
But I was wrong.
My sister asked if I would stay in the delivery room with her. Of course I wanted to, but to hear her say she wanted me to was special in and of itself. Her husband wanted me to stay too.
I am used to being the big sister, but there she was, my little sissy getting ready to have a baby. She was so strong and while she was in a great deal of pain, she was beautiful and ready to go through all of the agony, just to deliver this perfect bundle of joy. I watched her as she struggled to deliver him. I got to be there to hold her hand and to help her count her breathing. It was an amazing event – being there through the pain, and helping her as she needed me.
It was so amazing, getting to watch this little life come into the world. When he entered this world, I began to cry.
He was so big and beautiful – all 9.7 pounds of him. All I could think of was all of the love that he was coming into. He is loved by so many already. I just thought of how many people are going to love him and adore him for the rest of his life. He screamed and I got to see him as the doctor and Robert cut the umbilical chord. It was neat to hear his little voice as he cried.
I was so proud of my sister for bringing this little life into the world. I looked at my sister’s face, her tired agony was over. She never looked so beautiful. Her face wore her pain, and her eyes drooped in sheer exhaustion. I was so proud of her.
Then I began to think about this little life.
He is born into this world now. He has so many roads he could travel. He will have so many opportunities in life. He is so perfect and precious and so untouched by this cold world.
I don’t have much to offer my nephew, other than all of the love in the world. So I have decided to pray for him, every day of his life. I have written this little prayer and letter to him:
To my dear Nephew Benjamin:
I watched you come into this world tonight, with all of your beautiful black hair and bright eyes. You screamed as we cried with happiness that you were finally here. You are the picture of beauty and what happens when two people love one another so much.
Benjamin, I love you. I love you so much that I’m going to tell you how much. I love you so much that I would do anything in this world for you. I would give my life for yours. Just like Jesus gave his life to save yours. That’s how much I love you. That’s how much Jesus loves you. Oh Benjamin, you are coming into a world that at sometimes will be cruel, but my prayer to you is that you will always look to your Savior Jesus Christ for all of the answers in life. He will guide you, baby Benjamin. He will never leave you or lead you down the wrong path.
I promise to be there for you Benjamin, when you get tired or when you struggle, I will promise to be there to pick you up and give you what you need, but most of all point you to the one who can give you everything you need in every way. Jesus Christ died for you to save you, and all you need is His eternal life to go to Heaven. He will provide you with eternal life and then everything else that you need to follow him successfully.
Baby Benjamin, as you grow older, I want to be someone who you can call on to love you, to take care of you and to help you throughout the dark and lonely times, but also through the good and beautiful times too.
As long as I am around, I will do everything to protect you from anyone who tries to hurt you. I will keep you close to the Lord in prayer and I will sacrifice to give you anything you need if it’s in my power to give it to you.
I want you to have a relationship with me, but also with the Lord Jesus Christ. I promise to steer you always toward a strong relationship with Him. He is your Savior, and the one who will be there when I can’t be. He will be your everything. I pray you will fully know Him at an early age, and I pray you will love Him and serve Him all of the days of your life. I will do everything in my power to make sure that happens.
I love you, as I love all of my nieces and nephews. I pray this over your life. I pray that you are strong mentally, physically, and spiritually and that you will grow in the grace and knowledge of Christ every day that you live.
I love you,
Love Aunt Ami
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